I've neglected this pretty badly.
I thought I was doing okay, but I always seem to cycle back into this funk. Maybe it's the month of April. I can't stand this month. Three years ago I lost my heart and my sister and my best friend, and I just can't seem to pick up the pieces. I don't know what it's like to have a best friend anymore; not like that. I feel as if I cannot open up to anyone at all. I've tried so so hard to, especially with scruffy but I can't seem to. I want to, so badly. There are no words to describe how badly I want this.
I'm scared to, I guess. There's a stigma attached with depression, medication, cutting, etcetera.
I can accept these facts. I do take medication for some hormonal imbalances in my brain. They help, some days.
My desire to leave is no where near as strong as it used to be when I allowed that darkness to feed upon me. I can hear her calling me though, she entices me; wraps my head in black cloud and sorrow and reminds me of how easy it is to be so incredibly selfish.
The scars are slowly fading. It's been a year since I had started again, and probably about six months since I have done anything. It's strange to think how fast I spiralled down last summer. When I moved out to Vancouver, basically.
This city is built for sorrow. Scenery that makes you cry because it's so breathtaking. Being able to float in the water feeling the ocean move me, the stars sing to me and the city lights lull me to sleep. It's a good city to be alone in, yet not.
I've been trying to go out, open up and meet new people. School helps, but I'm still stuck in a facade. The cooking industry demands it anyway. The need to pull up your pants, suck it up and move on. I can do that, don't get me wrong. I just happen to have mental breakdowns along the way...
So I go to shows. Bass out, flail, feel the music. It seems to be the only thing that I feel passionate about lately. I think I love it because it speaks to me, resonates in my soul. Being hearing impaired makes listening to other music so much harder, but with bass, dnb, anything like that it is just drums drums drums and beats and pure energy melded into synchronicity on the floor for everyone to share. I don't have to listen so hard, I can just lose myself in it.
I'm bad for that though. Losing myself. I've done it with drugs, alcohol, sex. This is just a healthier form that I just happen to get really good exercise from, and I do get to meet the most radical people.
It is so strange, that I feel so focused on trying to connect with people, but when that moment comes I can't seem to bring myself to do it. That old fear is still etched in somewhere. The time you invest in people, pouring your heart out and loving them wholly and completely. Promises made only to be broken. I've lost so many people that I seem to lose myself a little more.
Who is ami?
We're not sure.
We are sure that she's scared, a little lost, alone amongst the lonely.
She's got love to give, if you can accept her for all her shortcomings.
