i'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of jack daniel's.
-frank sinatra
x
i could use a combination of all three at the moment. swap out the jd though, i'm not a huge fan of his. i noticed that when i smoke a lot, my fingers smell like burnt, stale popcorn. mmmm nicotine. i'm so tired yet so awake. i keep wondering how i've managed to land myself amongst the thickets of grief and still remain there for so long. losing raena, dylan, dave, jordy, etc etc etc. someone new every other day. i can't seem to escape this shit. i don't seek to escape death, just the grief that seems to be continually at its bosom. i welcome my own death much too often for other peoples' liking, if they were to know, that is. sometimes i wish i were religious. it'd give me something to believe in, but i'm far too critical and lazy for such things. self destruction is my therapy, repression even. sometimes i want to be happy, but i think that'd make me more boring than usual. mostly i just want a cuddle and a decent hug. is that too much to ask for?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
september 2, 2010
the last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.
- leonard cohen
x
superiority? not in the least. except perhaps in my lack of sanity. face hurts like a motherfucker. i still am swollen beyond comprehension and it is disgusting. so goddamn restless, laying on the couch for days. i can't organize my thoughts, i can't hold my concentration. i feel more addled than usual. not sure if it is just the effects from surgery and all these pills i'm taking, but it's irksome. i also don't really care and i like being apathetic. walking oxymoron. key word: moron. hypocrisy. adam thinks i'm his girlfriend, and that bothers me to no end. christien is wasting himself away. somedays i care, most days i don't. i probably should. can't muster energy or concentration to play june, or read, or write, or draw. most of the time i don't care, but doubled with the inability, it's just asldkfuoaiduljksdofusdkjf.
i suppose i'm not as apathetic as i like to think. just insane in a rather nonchalant manner. fuck, i want a smoke so bad.
- leonard cohen
x
superiority? not in the least. except perhaps in my lack of sanity. face hurts like a motherfucker. i still am swollen beyond comprehension and it is disgusting. so goddamn restless, laying on the couch for days. i can't organize my thoughts, i can't hold my concentration. i feel more addled than usual. not sure if it is just the effects from surgery and all these pills i'm taking, but it's irksome. i also don't really care and i like being apathetic. walking oxymoron. key word: moron. hypocrisy. adam thinks i'm his girlfriend, and that bothers me to no end. christien is wasting himself away. somedays i care, most days i don't. i probably should. can't muster energy or concentration to play june, or read, or write, or draw. most of the time i don't care, but doubled with the inability, it's just asldkfuoaiduljksdofusdkjf.
i suppose i'm not as apathetic as i like to think. just insane in a rather nonchalant manner. fuck, i want a smoke so bad.
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